Letting Go Without The Claw Marks

The truth is that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and envy the sincerest proof of success. Humans are also philosophically myopic.  That is, things seem to look better from a distance. No wonder then that intimacy, the act of closeness, makes us wary and afraid. Who wants to see all the imperfections, the flaws, the weaknesses and inconsistencies that plague and marr our human nature and form?

Some of the most difficult students have been the ones who simply do not know when to leave me as their teacher. There are so many ways to say goodbye. For example, they could say something like "Hey, it was great, but I am ready to move on. Thanks so much and see you around!", or they could just simply disappear. I actually am OK with them just disappearing. I am not stupid and I have many friends in the dance community. I know where students go when they leave me, and I am OK with that.

What is really upsetting is when they can't let go without leaving the claw marks. Invariably, there are always people who just don't know how to say goodbye gracefully. Perhaps they feel awkward saying goodbye at all, because they feel it might be interpreted on my behalf as a rejection and upset me, or as a flaw on their behalf, that they have grown bored or tired of me. The fact of the matter is that I expect them to leave me. It is their "job" as students to take what they want, and to go on to do more, other, and better, with other people and in other places. I am sad, but more so, I am pleased for them, and happy, and proud to have had any affiliation or affect on them as dancers.

Inevitably, those students are the few who hurt me the most because in their effort to leave and move on, seem to be inconsolably resigned to find a way to vilanize me as an excuse to get away. Somehow, they have to pick a fight or conjure an imagined slight to justify their bad behaviour, which in turn, is their desperate attempt to assign blame and misdirect anger. I am blessed in that out of the hundreds of students who have come and passed through my classes, only a very few, a mere handful, literally 5 or 6, have succumbed to such a pitiful means of escape.

One particular student was initially so enamoured of me, or shall I say, what and who she imagined me to be, that she actually moved her home to my town to live closer and make it easier to take classes with me. One day, she showed up to class with a black wig. She so fell in love with me, or her imagined version of me, that she imitated me to the point that when she performed, she danced just like me, and people would comment to me about the intensity of the similarity. She stayed with me far longer than she should have, to the point where I felt compelled to tell her that she really needed to study with others and become her own dancer. No matter how flattering it was to be so grossly imitated and to be such an intense object of her obsession, I intuitively and intelligently knew that it was not behoving to either of us for her to be thusly. After all, even a great copy, in the end, is really only a copy, and it is so much better to be your own imperfect original you, than to be a mere "perfect" copy of someone else.

I was very frank and firm, but tried also to be her friend, but it was fated to end badly and impossible to salvage. In the end, she simply ended up hating me. It was as though she wanted to be like me, but then, she wanted to BE me, and there wasn't any room for another me, so she had to try to destroy me, to get me out of her way, so that she could do what I did, and have what I had. Before, we were always together and people thought we were close. Now when people ask her about me, she tells them that she doesn't know me, as thought I no longer exist for her. This was a very extreme case, and I haven't again and hope not ever to experience it again. But, it is very typical for someone experiencing extreme obsession, much like in the movie, "Single White Female".

The beauty of the dance, the feminist spiritualism, and the women-centric bonding happens mostly when there is no room for competition. At first, it looks so great to be a belly dancer! Especially when one is new, and fresh, and not yet indoctrinated. How supportive and friendly and accepting and warm we all look at first, but from a distance, and with fresh eyes. That is, until the student builds strength and skill and confidence, and after experiencing the thrill and ego stroking effect of performing, and being told how talented and beautiful she is, and how much she wants to believe this, needs to believe this, insists on believing this! And then she wants more, starts to see that she can be more, have more, do more. And this is when the trouble begins. The student starts to see herself as better and is feeling that she is better and entitled to better, and to more. And the student begins to get into a competitive mode with other students, and then with other dancers, and with her instructors. It is hard to be friends with someone with whom you believe to be in competition with you. So, something has to go, and the need for the ego is greater than the need for the friendship. So, the friendship and good will is sacrificed in the name of the ego, and for that which feeds the ego.

I understand this phenomenon. I don't like it, but I understand it, and I accept it. It is hard to throw stones at the castle, when one lives in the castle.