Who I am Versus Who You Want Me To Be

One of the things that has been on my mind has to do with the idea that I feel that I have often times been befriended, wanted, or loved for who someone else has imagined me to be, rather than who I really am. I am convinced that in many of my relationships, both romantic and friendship, and especially in ones that have either not worked out or not lasted, or even ended badly, has to do with the idea that somehow, I did not measure up to their idea of me. I can't help but feel that somehow I am responsible, at least in part, in managing to allow this phenomenon to occur.

Perhaps there is a way in which I, too, am liking or falling in love with some unrealistic ideal. For example, perhaps I love the idea of being liked or loved by someone who would dare to put me in a higher or different light than I reside in. Perhaps I am persuaded by this higher vision of me, and wanting to also see myself in this different light, compelled to allow myself to get swept up into this fantasy version of who I appear to be to this other person for the sheer titillation of it all.

All I know is that, falling off of this false pedestal leaves me feeling bruised and disappointed. I don't like it and I do not like the aftermath; The sense of loss of a love or a friend, the incurring need to rebuild my self, my ego, and sometimes, my life. It is all just so very painful and messy.

I guess that what I need to do is to figure out exactly who I am, what I want, and make sure that I am presenting myself to others as sincerely and authentically as possible. However, sometimes I am convinced that that is exactly what I am doing, and yet, I feel I am horribly misunderstood and mistaken.

Besides being true to myself and in my intentions to others I realize that I sometimes find the line between who is responsible for what to be a bit blurry. I tend to take a lot of responsibility, and perhaps at times, more than my fair share, of why someone would say or do something that causes an unfavorable emotional response in me. A case in point is that, in spite of how articulately careful I have been in representing myself to be a single woman in search of men to date in pursuant to a monogamous relationship, I still tend to get an awful lot of penis pictures and unsolicited offers for spontaneous sex. My first reaction is, "What is it about me that makes this man feel that I am interested in seeing his penis at about the same time or before we even say "hello"? or "What is it about me that is making this man feel that I might be interested in having sex with him, when I don't know a thing about him?"

It could very well be that this man is obsessed with his penis and thinks so highly of it, that he just wants to share his penis pics with the world at large, for all to share in the glory of his unadulterated manhood. Or, it could be that all this man wants is the instant gratification of getting off, and it is the "getting off" part that is his primary motivation, and that he really doesn't care who with.

I know that this is true; That people are motivated by their own wants, needs and desires, first and foremost, and rarely if ever are considering what the other person may be thinking or feeling. I don't say this to sound bitter or jaded, but rather am simply admitting to the fact that we are all as human beings basically wired to be ego-centric. For example, is it any less self-centered for me to be automatically thinking that I am somehow responsible for the behavior of others, before acknowledging that perhaps this person is simply acting out of their own desires to get their own wants met?

Still, I am curious and confused about the idea that people often times project their image of who I am onto me, not seeing and even ignoring who I really am, until the real me, butting into, interfering, and eventually tragically destroys their self constructed image of who I really am.