The funny thing is that I tend to sleep really well. Deeply, completely. Except when I can't. When I was in college my last semester I had insomnia. I didn't sleep well for about two months. Nothing worked. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Lately I just feel like I resist wanting to sleep. When I go to bed, the things I think about actually seem to increase in intensity and spin furiously though my mind. I have these realistic but emotionally exaggerated thoughts. They all seem to have to do with the fear of the consequences of getting old and dying.
My teeth all rotting out.
My face caving in.
My parents getting old and sick and suffering and dying.
I can't keep up with the velocity of my life.
I can't keep up with the cost of living.
I simply can't maintain.
And no one wants me.
All of these things are shades of potential reality but not really exactly the truth.
And yet panic sits on my chest like a rabid creature whose claws have sunk in and placed an excruciating pain there. I feel weak and dumb and totally NOT in control.
Intellectually, I feel completely silly for being so obsessed over something that is so natural and destined to be. But I have to admit, emotionally, I am indeed a complete wreck and it is a full time effort to live my life and get through each day these days as though I am a healthy happy human being in the midst of other happy healthy human beings.
I want to be grateful for what I have and who I am. I think I am. But obviously there is this big ugly emotional monster inside of me that is raining on my gratitude parade.
Gratitude is a really great practice and all, but sometimes it's a weak shield against all the shite out there.
ReplyDeleteWe DO fall apart, sometimes earlier than we "should." We get lonely. Stuff doesn't work out. People die, leave, fall away. STUFF SAGS. Things (physical and emotional) hurt.
And don't even get me started on the stray hairs.
You're not the only one who gets those swirling mind-tornadoes. They suck. For me, I find that if I try to distract myself from them, they fight back harder; if, OTOH, I invite them in, tell them to spill their guts, they tend not to stay as long. None of this may make me sleep better TONIGHT, but it may make me sleep better soon.